FAILING AT BREASTFEEDING

Sometimes things just don't work out like you had hoped not matter how much you pray or how badly you want it. 

Even with a second chance at breastfeeding I'm left with the same outcome - my body is just not able to produce enough for what he needs. It has been two months since I had Levi, and for two months he has been so hungry. He was gaining weight just fine at the beginning, but I didn't realize that nursing every hour to every two hours when they are two months old isn't normal. I finally started pumping and realized I was only making one to two ounces. At this point he needs about three to four ounces per feeding, so I would definitely say he was hungry.

I finally gave him a bottle of formula and he scarfed it down like he had never had milk in his life. It was so sad and I cried. I felt like a terrible mother for not knowing how hungry he was. I felt like a terrible mother for not being able to exclusively breastfeed. I was just overwhelmed with sadness and guilt.

The thing is that I've been in the place before and I promised myself I wouldn't put my heart through it again. I promised myself that no matter what I was going to do what needed to be done, and if that meant formula that's okay. It's just knowing the breastmilk is the healthiest thing for my child and not being able to give it to him KILLS me.

I feel embarrassed every time I pull out a bottle in public and instantly my mind is filled with a bunch of excuses of why I can't breastfeed so that I can defend myself to random strangers. So dumb, right? Have you been here too? At my church there is a "nursing room," so does that mean I can bring a bottle in there or not. Why can't it just be called a mother's room? 

But you know what?! Levi is so, so happy. He is babbling all of the time and he is sleeping so much better. And you know what else, I'm still breast feeding for five to ten minutes to give him that tiny ounce to two ounces that I have, and at least it's something. But even if I didn't have that I'm just happy I have a healthy baby, and I'm so thankful that I have formula. Imagining my child starving and failing to thrive because my body can't do its job right is a horrifying thought.

I'll spare you all of the visits with my lactation consultant and the triple feeding and the herbs, etc. I did it and it didn't work and who cares, right?! At the end of the day I am at peace with knowing that I'm being the best mother I can be. That's all we mothers can do, and I need to remember that every day. Perfection is not something to desire as a parent. Peace is, and that's what I have today. And that's perfect.

NURSING FRIENDLY OUTFIT

When you get pregnant you have to buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate your growing bump, and after you have the baby you have to do the same except this time you don't want to look pregnant. Post-partum fashion is HAARD.

Your breasts are larger because your nursing, so you need new bras. You can only wear tops and dresses that allow you to access your breasts easily to breastfeed. Your stomach is slowly going down, but you can't fit into your old jeans right away and your maternity jeans are too big. So what in the heck do you wear?! I'm a former stylist and I'm asking myself the same question.

I've solved your problem. You wear a daily uniform of nursing bras, shirt dresses and leggings. BINGO! It's chic and easy because in all honesty in NEED easy in my life right now.

Here are some examples of what I mean and some links for you to shop:

Mango Shirt Dress - http://rstyle.me/n/bcubhwifge

Madewell Shirt Dress - http://rstyle.me/n/bctz7sifge

Topshop Shirt Dress - http://rstyle.me/n/bcua24ifge

River Island Shirt Dress - http://rstyle.me/n/bcubbcifge

Oasap Shirt Dress - http://rstyle.me/n/bcubgcifge

 River Island Leggings - http://rstyle.me/n/bcubknifge

Topshop Leggings - http://rstyle.me/n/bcubriifge

SheInside Leggings - http://rstyle.me/n/bcub56ifge

Amazon Leggings - http://rstyle.me/n/bcucy6ifge

Boutique 1 - http://rstyle.me/n/bcudraifge

Real Talk with Real Moms: Feeding

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Feeding your child should be the simplest thing a mother can do, but breastfeeding, specifically, was the hardest part of early motherhood for me. Labor was a cakewalk compared to the feeding challenges that lied ahead when Elle was born. As I write this blog post, I'm feeling contractions on and off and waiting for baby number two to arrive. You would think I would be nervous about the labor that lies ahead, but sleep deprivation and labor are things I know I can get through. Being able to breastfeed, as I learned, isn't something that I am promised no matter how hard you work for it.

You see, breastfeeding was actually the thing that I looked most forward to and I'm still looking forward to with this little guy. It's such an incredible bonding experience. But knowing how hard I tried and how bad I wanted it with Elle, doesn't bring me much comfort the second time around because I now know breastfeeding is a dance between you and your baby.

With Elle, I saw three lactation consultants in the hospital, three visited my home, I tried fenugreek and Domperidone, I pumped after every feeding, I laid in bed skin to skin for days, and in the end I still had to supplement with formula. I just wasn't producing enough. Unfortunately, for Elle she was allergic to dairy, soy and even had a hard time digesting corn products. We even tried goats milk and flaxseed when she was older. I not only couldn't make enough breastmilk, but I couldn't even offer her formula because she was so sensitive to it. I was brought to tears with the reality that I couldn't feed my precious child. I felt SO helpless, scared and like such a failure.

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Then a miracle happened...No, I didn't start producing more milk, BUT a community of moms I knew in my church began donating their breastmilk to Elle. I know this idea might be a controversial, but it was my only hope in the early weeks when her digestive system was still maturing, and her pediatrician was well aware of what was going on. I breastfed and pumped what I could, and then supplemented with donated breastmilk from trusted women. It was really my village of moms that helped feed Elle, and because of this I was able to give her breastmilk until she was six months old. It was a miracle! By that time we were able to switch to a very hypoallergenic, corn-based formula that she could process because frankly the moms that were helping us couldn't keep up the pace of feeding two babies for a year. It was super expensive, but we made it work.

This challenge of feeding taught me so much. One mistake I do plan on correcting the second time around is starting to pump right when my milk comes in. I cannot trust my baby's latch will be a good one no matter how many LC's I see. Right when your milk comes in is such a crucial time in establishing your supply because it's based on demand. So, this time around I plan on pumping after each feeding to ensure I'm emptying all of the breastmilk out of my breasts, so that my body can learn how much to make. I'd rather end up over producing then under producing given that this little guy could very well have the same sensitivities to dairy, soy and corn.

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I'm sharing this story to encourage any other moms that have experienced this feeling of "feeding failure" to remind them that motherhood is not about being able to do everything perfectly and right, but simply to love your children fiercely. If that's feeding formula, great! If that's breast feeding, great! If that's driving around the city picking up donated breastmilk, great! You are an amazing mother because you love and care for your children not because you can breastfeed and not because you have the most perfect nursery. I also share this to remind moms not to judge one another, but instead support each other. I don't know where I would have been without those amazing moms that donated their liquid gold to my child.

If you want to read more honest stories about feeding, check out these other amazing, creative moms below. You can also read our stories about sleep challenges by clicking here.

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Photos by Mike Olbinski