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January 18, 2011

Painted Red

January 18, 2011/ Alexandra Evjen

Whenever I see red lips I just stare. Don't you?! The color just draws me in. A great pop of lip color with minimal makeup is GORGE in my book. So, here's some red inspiration for you ladies to go grab those lip stains and lipstick and paint away!

January 18, 2011/ Alexandra Evjen/ Comment
Beauty
lipgloss, lipstick, red lips

Alexandra Evjen

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Inspiration and ideas by stylist Alexandra on fashion, jewelry, beauty, lifestyle, home décor and more…

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I want to tell you a story about this photo. Four years ago this was taken. I was heartbroken. My marriage was on rocky ground, and for whatever reason, I asked my friend @lizestudio to do a boudoir shoot with me. But these weren’t photos for him. They were for me. In fact, I hid these photos and I even lied about this shoot. I remember being in the makeup chair of @snmakeupartist crying, but telling her how important this shoot was to me. So, I showed up starving to remind myself how beautiful I was, but I couldn’t let go. I didn’t feel it at all. I didn’t feel sexy or confident. I felt ashamed and worthless. They weren’t even risqué, but I just felt awful that I hid it, awful that I needed to do this for myself, awful that I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. Fast forward to now, when Ryan left the first thing I did was throw away every piece of lingerie, every bra, everything intimate I had. I walked into to the store three days after he left and I bought all new things just for myself. I didn’t know why I was doing it, but I just had to. But now I know...Feeling beautiful is tied to feeling free. I was craving to feel free. I was craving to feel acceptance. And I can confidently say that I finally know those feelings intimately now, and that is why I finally feel the most beautiful I have ever felt in my life. I feel safe, I feel smart, I feel accepted, I feel free, I feel sexy, I feel sensual, I feel beautiful. More on this topic in my IG stories. I love hearing what makes you feel beautiful. Weigh in! Some say it’s when you feel strong or when you are pregnant...Tell me more and why.
There’s a confidence and a sexiness that has come with my freedom that I just can’t explain quite yet. I have plenty of thoughts ruminating, but more on that later. For now, let’s talk about two closet staples of mine that are on rotation, and make me feel like a million bucks: 1. silk/lace camisoles 2. this denim skirt. To my surprise @abercrombie has a great selection of camis, and @nordstrom is always a safe bet for classics like a denim pencil skirt. This one is by @topshop, but they have a ton of different shapes and brands there too. Highly recommend for spring! PC @rennaihoefer http://liketk.it/2vr55 #liketkit @liketoknow.it . . . . . #springstyle #shoes #omgshoes #ootd #fashion #style #stylist #fashionblogger #lookbook #trendy #blogger #fblogger #outfit #chic #clothes #instastyle #luxury #inspiration #fromwhereistand #styleinspo #streetstyle #azblogger
Cont. from the previous post...Debilitated with grief, exhausted from trying to do everything right and everything I could to salvage my family and life, death just felt like a relief. Not that I wanted to take my life, but that I was just ready for the pain of life to stop 🛑. No exit plan to get out of this in sight. I was at the end of myself. Face down in the dirt, lost in a desert that I had been wandering in for years. And that was the moment I felt like the younger brother. I was as far gone as the next person doing things to bring myself comfort and safety over loving others well. My drug was to control and when I didn’t have certainty, when I didn’t have power over what was going to happen or circumstances I would just find another way to get my fix. So I came back “home” with empty hands with treasures lost asking God to help me, but full of doubt that He would at the same time. When I closed my eyes, it was Him standing on one side and me on the other. I said, “you are all I have left. No parents to lean on, no husband to comfort me, my kids are gone half the time, my job is a question mark...I like the idea of you loving me, but I don’t know if you do and if you are good, God.” I felt like a beat up puppy hoping to be adopted, wanting to be adopted, wagging my tail while I sat and looked at what could be my home, but too afraid to go near Him. So we both just sat and waited for months. Each day, each morning I would literally close my eyes in a room of beige and be quiet saying, “I want to believe you but you are going to have to show me.” So I keep coming home. It’s not a one time thing. Some days I am content to sit in the driveway and other days at the dinner table, but strangely over time my heart is soft now. Not perfect. It’s vulnerable. I have no clue or plan anymore and I like it. I don’t have answers like I always did. I don’t judge emotions and hearts like I did. I feel free. It only took 33 years, but i finally feel like me. at the end of myself I have found what it is to love myself and others. more grace. More honesty. Less answers. No judgement. Just sitting. Just being home. And it’s peaceful and beautiful and real.🏡
If you know the story of the prodigal son you probably have thought about whether you are the older brother or the younger brother. I am the older brother - the one that does the “right” thing, the responsible one. I never partied, did drugs, was reckless with money...but it was for two reasons: a) I would have gotten the shit beat out of me (words I was told often) or b) I would have been guilted and shamed so badly I wouldn’t be able to shake it...So, I went the other way...I tried to do everything right out of fear. Control became my safeguard. Just don’t mess up, always show up and be the best you can be and your life will be ok. When my marriage hit the first roadblock in 2014 I stayed in it, but I was full of anger. I was so pissed that after going through such a hard upbringing,, being the best wife, best mom I could be that my worst nightmares were coming to true. Just like the older brother I thought, “WTF? These people can get away with murder and live happy lives and I deal with abuse and get this crap?! Peace out! ✌️God, you suck! My heart built a wall, and even though I went to church, sang songs and sat in Counseling and continued to do the right things...I was going back to my safety zone of self-righteousness. Around that time I studied this story about the prodigal son, and even though the point is God’s unconditional love I still felt upset that older brother did the right thing and the younger one did the wrong one and it all worked out. I had little patience for people in the “little brother” camp. “Just get your shit together,” I would think in my head. I did it, so you can too. I was hurting so badly. So envious of these happy homes of these people had who treated their loved ones like crap, lied, slept around on people and all restored to them. Four years later, I found myself in even a worse situation of loss after trying harder than I ever tried to do all of the things right - go to marriage counseling, do personal counseling, pray, read books. I did more to feel safe... But my anger was deeper than ever and my doubt like a canyon. “God!” I remember screaming as loud as I possibly could. What have I done to deserve this? To be continued.

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