December 29, 2009

Fashion Photography

December 29, 2009/ Alexandra Evjen

AVE Styles

Inspiration and ideas by stylist Alexandra on fashion, jewelry, beauty, lifestyle, home décor and more…

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There’s a confidence and a sexiness that has come with my freedom that I just can’t explain quite yet. I have plenty of thoughts ruminating, but more on that later. For now, let’s talk about two closet staples of mine that are on rotation, and make me feel like a million bucks: 1. silk/lace camisoles 2. this denim skirt. To my surprise @abercrombie has a great selection of camis, and @nordstrom is always a safe bet for classics like a denim pencil skirt. This one is by @topshop, but they have a ton of different shapes and brands there too. Highly recommend for spring! PC @rennaihoefer http://liketk.it/2vr55 #liketkit @liketoknow.it .
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Cont. from the previous post...Debilitated with grief, exhausted from trying to do everything right and everything I could to salvage my family and life, death just felt like a relief. Not that I wanted to take my life, but that I was just ready for the pain of life to stop 🛑. No exit plan to get out of this in sight. I was at the end of myself. Face down in the dirt, lost in a desert that I had been wandering in for years. And that was the moment I felt like the younger brother. I was as far gone as the next person doing things to bring myself comfort and safety over loving others well. My drug was to control and when I didn’t have certainty, when I didn’t have power over what was going to happen or circumstances I would just find another way to get my fix. So I came back “home” with empty hands with treasures lost asking God to help me, but full of doubt that He would at the same time. When I closed my eyes, it was Him standing on one side and me on the other. I said, “you are all I have left. No parents to lean on, no husband to comfort me, my kids are gone half the time, my job is a question mark...I like the idea of you loving me, but I don’t know if you do and if you are good, God.” I felt like a beat up puppy hoping to be adopted, wanting to be adopted, wagging my tail while I sat and looked at what could be my home, but too afraid to go near Him. So we both just sat and waited for months. Each day, each morning I would literally close my eyes in a room of beige and be quiet saying, “I want to believe you but you are going to have to show me.” So I keep coming home. It’s not a one time thing. Some days I am content to sit in the driveway and other days at the dinner table, but strangely over time my heart is soft now. Not perfect. It’s vulnerable. I have no clue or plan anymore and I like it. I don’t have answers like I always did. I don’t judge emotions and hearts like I did. I feel free. It only took 33 years, but i finally feel like me. at the end of myself I have found what it is to love myself and others. more grace. More honesty. Less answers. No judgement. Just sitting. Just being home. And it’s peaceful and beautiful and real.🏡

If you know the story of the prodigal son you probably have thought about whether you are the older brother or the younger brother. I am the older brother - the one that does the “right” thing, the responsible one. I never partied, did drugs, was reckless with money...but it was for two reasons: a) I would have gotten the shit beat out of me (words I was told often) or b) I would have been guilted and shamed so badly I wouldn’t be able to shake it...So, I went the other way...I tried to do everything right out of fear. Control became my safeguard. Just don’t mess up, always show up and be the best you can be and your life will be ok. When my marriage hit the first roadblock in 2014 I stayed in it, but I was full of anger. I was so pissed that after going through such a hard upbringing,, being the best wife, best mom I could be that my worst nightmares were coming to true. Just like the older brother I thought, “WTF? These people can get away with murder and live happy lives and I deal with abuse and get this crap?! Peace out! ✌️God, you suck! My heart built a wall, and even though I went to church, sang songs and sat in Counseling and continued to do the right things...I was going back to my safety zone of self-righteousness. Around that time I studied this story about the prodigal son, and even though the point is God’s unconditional love I still felt upset that older brother did the right thing and the younger one did the wrong one and it all worked out. I had little patience for people in the “little brother” camp. “Just get your shit together,” I would think in my head. I did it, so you can too. I was hurting so badly. So envious of these happy homes of these people had who treated their loved ones like crap, lied, slept around on people and all restored to them. Four years later, I found myself in even a worse situation of loss after trying harder than I ever tried to do all of the things right - go to marriage counseling, do personal counseling, pray, read books. I did more to feel safe... But my anger was deeper than ever and my doubt like a canyon. “God!” I remember screaming as loud as I possibly could. What have I done to deserve this? To be continued.

This week was a hard one. You challenged every ask. When I would ask what is going on and why you were fighting me so much, you would break down and you would say, “I just miss Dad,” and I would unravel inside knowing I couldn’t fix it. The past two nights you have asked me to stay while you fell asleep, and tonight you asked me to specifically wrap you in my arms and stroke your hair. And while you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep, I realized that though we are missing different things, we are both grieving still and need similar things. I am just glad that I can be the one to run my fingers through your curls and listen to you breathe. That I can be the one to meet your needs. I love you so, Ellie. We are going to be ok. I promise. ❤️ PC @rennaihoefer / cutest magnetic travel kit by @petitcollage .
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#LTKfamily #LTKkids #momcrushmonday #ohheymama #letthembelittle #azblogger #azig #attitudeofgratitude #ig_motherhood #bestofmom #dailyparenting #mymamahood #thepursuitofjoy #thepursuitofjoyproject #thatsdarling #flashesofdelight #verilymoment #littleandbrave #clickinmoms #motherhoodthroughinstagram #thatsdarling

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